Have you ever been wooed, pursued, devalued, discarded, and smeared by a narcissist? They are relentless! If you haven’t, you may not understand what I am about to write, and if you have, you will know exactly what I’m saying. I am a survivor of a narcissistic, abusive relationship and this is some of my story and my truth.
There are a few things I would like to say in regards to my Ex fiancé (the narcissist) and his ‘smear’/pity party campaign via his blog @justruminating.blog Yes, I do feel it’s my place to try to warn and spare anyone else of having to endure the pain, the lies, the misery, the abuse, the darkness and all manipulations that he has brought to not only my life, but to all the ones before me, including his Ex Wife, his children, his 2 other significant Ex’s and to every relationship that was affected by his behavior patterns.
I met the Ex through an online dating site and my first reaction and response back to him was “Player”. I ignored his first messages, but he was persistent in his pursuit of his ‘next fix or supply’. For the two weeks that followed, we were in constant contact. During the seduction period, he was texting, calling, writing me poetry, he made me a Trilogy (body, mind and soul) music play list of his favorite love songs, and we even produced a baby mattress 😉 Don’t ask! He was finding out ALL he needed to know to secure his next source of supply, me.
He asked me one night while talking on the phone to close my eyes and take his hand and he narrated us taking a jump together from the top of the highest mountain, it was the most incredible feeling. He asked that I trust the feelings we were both sharing. He certainly has a way with words! He told me he loved me before he even met me and I was saying it back to him. I had finally found the love of all my lifetimes! We felt we had known each other before; he was so familiar to me, as I was to him. I was IN Love and so wasn’t he, it was amazing, or so I thought…..
He did and said ALL the right things. We finally met physically on Nov 9, 2012 and it was electric, he called it a cosmic unison, twin flames, soul mate connection and he had me at “Hi, Honey I’m Home” when he threw his bag on the floor and took me into arms. From that moment forward we were inseparable. On our first anniversary he surprised me with a trip to Florida, where he proposed to me on bended knee, under a beautiful starlit night. The first year was blissful. I had finally found the one whom my soul loved, or so I thought……
He sold me a beautiful dream, but gave me the worst nightmare of my life… Our relationship started on a lie, he was not single and he did not cause his girlfriend at that time a “brain injury while driving, drinking and fighting” “He did not feel obligated to her because of the injury HE caused” You see there was no injury, well, not from a car accident anyway. He created a world of illusion and if it came out of his mouth, it became his truth….
I didn’t know really what a narcissist or narcissism was until after the period of the devaluation occurred but the abrupt manner that he ended the relationship left me with so many unanswered questions and that is how I stumbled into a wealth of information on the subject and my healing began. I do know the ‘ISM’ very well, the I,Self,Me syndrome, I suffer from alcoholISM, I had almost 9 years of continuous, solid sobriety/recovery at the time I met him, my life was so good, filled with God, spirituality, my family, my friends, women I sponsored through the 12 Steps in the Big Book of AA, I had a great job, I owned my own home and I threw it all away, not his fault, mine, but life as I knew it changed dramatically.
In the beginning he seemed to be one of the most selfless humans I had ever known, always thoughtful, helpful, supportive, kind, loving, sensual, sensitive and passionate. Somewhere along the narcissistic timeline, that began to change. He was building me up to tear me down. My insecurities were glaring and that is exactly where he wanted me to be.
I remember the first time he put his hands on me and I dismissed it as it was nothing, he was drinking and he was mad and of course he promised that it would never happen again. I should have listened when his two previous ex’s reached out to me to warn me of him, but I believed I was different, he made me believe I was different. He told me things about his past relationships and I believed every word, because I wanted to and because he was so believable. There were so many red flags, and I ignored every single one. Lies. lies and more lies!
Fast forward, our drinking escalated and he was starting to be caught in his web of lies. When I would confront him with questions he would rage with anger. The physical abuse also escalated and then came the arrests. In two years he was arrested for 2 OUI/DUI, his 3rd over his lifetime. There were also 5 domestic assault charges, 4 of which I plead the 5th to save his ass. Please keep in mind, he is acting the victim in all this, he was 6’2, 225lbs, I’m 5’7 145lbs, when he would charge at me, I would defend myself as best I could. He spent months and months in jail over the next 2 years. He was unable to hold a job and this helped to put me into financial ruins. I filed for bankruptcy to save my home.
The last beating that I suffered at his hands was the worst of all. His masks were falling off and he didn’t like that I could see right through him. He punched in my face and my split my head wide open, everyday when I blow dry my hair I get the reminder of what he had done to me. I called friends, they came and they called the police, he was arrested one final time. This time I did not plead the 5th, he wanted a trial because he’s so smart and figured, I guess, that he could manipulate the judge, like he manipulates everything else. And he is the Master of Manipulation!! The Judge took one look at the pictures that the police officers took of my face and head and she found him guilty. Her words exactly “Mr L%&^*^=, you’ve been before me 5 times for domestic assault against the same household victim, the courts find you Guilty of Domestic Assault and Battery and you are sentenced to 18 Months in the Plymouth House of Correction.” I’ll never forget the look on his face. At this point I was depleted emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and financially.
While he was in jail awaiting his case he would send me 12 page handwritten letters, begging me and pleading with me not to testify, that he would never make it in there. How much he still loved me and how could he think he could live without me. Oooo and He was also writing his ex’s! That’s when one of them reached out to me to share the letter he had written to her and that’s where the smear campaign began. I now knew what story he was spinning. She also sent me a package with the letter itself and with a book on ‘Surviving the Narcissist’ and that’s when the discovery of who and what I had been dealing with began to come to light. I have read anything and everything on the subject and I have had many AHA moments! The healing has continued and I saw that he IS a classic textbook variety NARC!
That day when I left the courthouse I knew it was time for me to let it all go, as much as it hurt. The next day I put my home, which I loved, on the market and within 3 weeks I had a signed purchase and sale agreement. I had 3 weeks to clear everything out. I rented a 20 yard dumpster and I literally purged EVERYTHING. I either threw it out, gave it away, sold a few things, left pieces on the curb, which people would take. I left myself with a few boxes of memories from my children and grandchildren, my clothes and my toothbrush!
I took a layoff from my job so that I could figure out what my next steps should be. I have family in central mass that I could stay with but the commute to the south shore of Massachusetts would be too much to get to my job each day. They graciously paid me for the month of July and told me if I was coming back that way my job would still be there for August 1st, if not, they would lay me off and I could collect. I took layoff and went to central Mass.
In August 2016 I went on vacation to visit family and friends in Florida for my birthday, it was one of the best times of my life. As I was leaving for the airport I was struggling with why I was leaving, there was this strong pull for me to stay. For the first time in all my adult life, I had no home to go home to, no job to go home to and no significant other to go home to. I decided last minute to extend my flight back North for two weeks. I figured that the speed that my life had been moving at, that if I was meant to be in Florida, then the right doors would open. The next day I started to look at the housing and job market, that afternoon I looked at a beautiful condo, 8 days later I held the keys. The universe was responding beautifully to some of the toughest and BEST decisions of my life.
I flew back up North, packed my car with the belongings I had left, said my see ya soons to family and friends and drove myself 20 hours and 1300 miles to my new life! I was finally at peace again and life has been recreating itself right here in paradise. At this point I hardly ever thought of the ex and the past life we lived. I thought I had neatly closed the door and nailed it shut.
But then came December, it was brought to my attention by a mutual friend of the Ex’s and mine, that the Ex had created a gofundme account to save him from homelessness. Curiosity got the best of me and I just had to look, that’s when I found his blog. I laid in bed one weekend in December while I was recovering from a head cold and read through his pages, weeded through his lies and manipulation of HIS truths. Read terrible things that he wrote about me and our relationship. You see he told all of you that he checked out 2 years previously, but he neglected to tell me. He would tell me everyday that he loved me. We shared good times, in between the bad times, I always believed that somehow we would make it and he acted that part too. To say I was pissed would be an understatement. Here it was in black and white before my eyes, He’s doing it again! He learned nothing from the situation and now he was fooling and manipulating all of you too and using his blog as the means to do it!!
This is not sour grapes and I do not wish any bad things to happen to him, it quite the opposite. I wish he would get really honest with himself, and the people about him. I wish that he remains sober and healthy. That he does the work to maintain his recovery. This is the safest way to ensure that nobody will ever have to endure what he brings to the table. But until he swallows some BIG chunks of truth about himself, it probably won’t happen anytime soon dear readers.
I know if he sees this he will break it down and show you all how right he is, how wrong I am and that he isn’t a liar, abuser or a master manipulator. He’ll tell you that the professionals, the team of doctors said he is not narcissistic.. I know I am no doctor, but you want to know someone? Live with them, live with the horror, live with their darkness, and the nightmare of never knowing who you’re walking into.
So there you have it… Consider yourself warned!
I want to say a BIG THANK YOU to Knowing The Narcissist the knowledge and information that you share has helped my healing immensely! Please keep writing and sharing!!
I wish you Peace, Love, Healing and Blessings,