I am Grateful….

I am grateful, God, for all you have given me, and ALL you have taken away. Thank you for the soundness of mind, the will to live and the desire to continue growing along spiritual lines. Thank you for relieving me of the bondage of self and of others, for taking away the pain and the suffering. I am grateful God that my faith in you allows me to live without fear today. Thank you for the self confidence and sense of well being. And thank you dear God, for making it possible for me to feel this way right now. I am faith-filled, fearless and free!

When Love Is a Lie

When Love Is a Lie

He’ll berate, belittle, insult, and destroy you….
Deceive, devalue, idolize, and ignore you…
He’ll block you then stalk you,
‘til you do what he taught you
His prize for The Lie is a chance to discard you

He’ll seduce and betray, confuse and neglect you
Without a single regret, he intends to infect you
In the blink of an eye, he’ll all but erase you
His venomous words are meant to disgrace you
He buried your soul down a dark rabbit hole
And planned your demise from the moment he met you

So, what do you feel? Do you know why you cry?
Is it fear that consumes us when love is a lie?
Is it hard to let go if it’s all that we know?
If the bad that he is, is as good as it gets
We must look to our heart for it’s time to reflect
Make him fade into black from the fear of attack
I am you, you are me, & we’ll never be back
Bitter and broken, on the wind it was spoken
From a dream, we’ve awoken
From a dream, we’ve awoken

By Zari Ballard – http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/narcissists-lie-another-poem/

 

Dating After the Narcissist Part 1

Oh boy… Everyday things are becoming ever so much clearer and in the mist of all the lessons that came (and are still coming) after being ‘in love’ with a narcissist then being devalued, abused in every sense of the word and discarded by the narc, the toughest lesson was not what I thought, which was the letting go of the illusion of his love, but the hardest is letting someone close enough to hurt me again by allowing someone into the center of my life and heart or worse yet, hurting them because my walls are so high. Let me just tell you I don’t need a man in my life to complete me, I want and desire a special someone to share life with. But maybe I’m still not ready?? But then again maybe I am??

I’ve been on the dating sites for 10 months now, not to find the love I lost but to find the me I lost. Plus, I moved 1300 miles and how else am I supposed to meet new people and make new friends? The bars? No! I guess I could do it the old fashioned way, just bump my cart into some tall, dark handsome stranger at the grocery store, but again that’s a bit scary to me too. I’ve used the dating sites as a means to comfort my pain, to help me to forget him and the darkness I emerged from battered and bruised. I like that I get to pick and choose who I crack the door open to before I slam it shut again. And now I’ve bruised a few hearts in the process too.

In the mist of my serial dating I have had a ton of fun and meet some ‘real winners’ and a few amazing guys, 3 of them,  who I now consider to be best friends of mine. I’ve let them into in my inner circle but keep them arms lengths to my heart. I look for signs and red flags and I TRUST no one!

The reason this is all coming up is because I have met a wonderful man with a kind heart, he’s loving, attentive, has the patience of a saint, a job, a home of his own and he is ooooo so handsome!!  I did everything to keep him away, you know arms length, from my protected, guarded heart. He understands where I came from, he too had a disastrous relationship with a narcissist, so he gets it and he gets me.

I’ve known him since September 2016 and we have had a blast exploring new horizons, places, beaches, concerts, Patriot football games, hockey games, festivals and so much more. I’m new to Florida and he’s fairly new here too, leave it to me to find a New England  guy here in paradise lol!  We share many of the same interests, genuinely, no mirroring, no love bombing, no games, and no lies. I love going to new places, so doesn’t he and I’m trying to get back to just plain enjoying life again.

He’s been patient and understanding, has not pressured me at all, lets me take all the time I need to heal. He knows I’m still dating but he does hope he’s the ONE standing after all is said and done. He mentioned over dinner last night that he wanted me to listen to Keith Urban and Carrie Underwood’s new song called ‘The Fighter’ and expressed that this was about us and said those 3 big words “I love you” as he closed the door… I listened to it 5 times after he left, I cried myself to sleep…

Why can’t I let him in??? If I can survive the worst heartache of my life, then if there is a next heartache, it would be a walk in the park…. Today I take a stand that my past will not define my future!

THE FIGHTER LYRICS 

I know he hurt you
Made you scared of love, too scared to love
He didn’t deserve you
‘Cause you’re precious heart is a precious heart
He didn’t know what he had and I thank God, oh, oh, oh
And it’s gonna take just a little time
But you’re gonna see that I was born to love you

What if I fall (I won’t let you fall)
What if I cry (I’ll never make you cry)
And if I get scared (I’ll hold you tighter)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be the fighter
What if I fall (I won’t let you fall)
What if I cry I promise I’ll never make you cry
And if I get scared (I’ll hold you tighter)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be the fighter

Look in the mirror
You’re beautiful, so beautiful
I’m here to remind you
You’re my only one, let me be the one
To heal all the pain that he put you through
It’s a love like you never knew
Just let me show you

What if I fall (I won’t let you fall)
What if I cry (I’ll never make you cry)
And if I get scared (I’ll hold you tighter)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be the fighter
What if I fall (I won’t let you fall)
What if I cry I promise I’ll never make you cry
And if I get scared (I’ll hold you tighter)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be the fighter

I wanna believe that you got me baby
I swear I do from now until the next life
I wanna love, wanna give you all my heart

What if I fall (I won’t let you fall)
What if I cry (I’ll never make you cry)
And if I get scared (I’ll hold you tighter)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be the fighter
What if I fall (I won’t let you fall)
What if I cry I promise I’ll never make you cry
And if I get scared (I’ll hold you tighter)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be the fighter

What if I fall
What if I cry
And if I get scared (I’ll hold you tighter)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be the fighter

“The Fighter: via Youtube

Written by Keith Urban, Ryan Busbee, Michael James • Copyright © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management US, LLC

 

Collaboration poem with sidharth jain

A Painful, false Illusion of Love indeed…

@ bittersweet diary

A painful illusion

You are;

All the things I can’t have.
All the dreams I can’t save.
All the troubles I can’t halve.
All the burdens under which I cave.

All the horizons I can never meet.
All the issues I can’t beat.
All the grudges I can’t unseat.
All the anger my mind continues to heat.

All my jewels that on me can’t shine.
All my happiness that can’t be my smile.
All my melodies that I can’t rhyme.
All my love I can’t call mine.

I can have everything, but why can’t
Everything be you ?
Why can’t I get what I feel is due ?
You had to walk out of my life,
Right on cue.
Just when I wanted to start a new
Just when I surrendered my soul to you

Turning your back you’ve left me now
But someday your ego will bow
Don’t expect…

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I Had To Go Back And Visit The Real You

I too, ‘have come to terms with the fact that I fell in love with a horrible person, an illusion.’ Thank you for writing ‘our’ stories! You truly are an inspiration to those who have also suffered. I hope your writings help others as much as they are helping me. I related so much, it’s like I could of written it… Feel, Deal, Heal!

So Long Sociopath

I had to go back yesterday, I didn’t want to, I knew with everything going on now it was the worst time to face our past. “Our past”. No matter how much you deny it we resided in Hell together for nearly three years, two of which were almost purgatory, waiting for the real demons to be unleashed and then when we moved in together it was nearly nine months of  fire and pain.

Someone recently asked me if I loved you, I laughed and replied “If I did not love him I would never had allowed him to destroy me.”  

I see you, sometimes, I see that you still hurt the women you engage with, I see you lying to the public, I see you pretending to be something you are not. If they knew how abusive you are, if they knew your name still terrifies my children…

View original post 1,201 more words

“I May Not BE Perfect, But Parts of Me are Excellent”

“I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent,” writes author Ashleigh Brilliant. If we can be happy with this proud, funny boast then perhaps we can stop berating ourselves for our imperfections. If we dwell on our own contradictory impulses we give them too much importance, too much power. Let me trust to my glimpses of harmony and wholeness and be grateful for the richness of my spirit.” ~ From Each Day a New Beginning

Another Spot on 🎯… Let’s Shut Them Down with the Real Truth

 

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com Today or whatever day you are sitting there and feeling such a debilitating and sick feeling in the pit of your stomach because of something you saw or heard that this Narcissist is off and having the […]

via Those debilitating messages that keep playing in the back of your head because you believe that your Narcissist has just moved on and doing so well. Let’s shut them down with the real truth! — After Narcissistic Abuse

Inspirational Quote of the Day….

Today is a Good Day! :)

Reflections of a Survivor of NPD Abuse

Once again, I am amazed … I could have written this verbatim, only I’m not 6 years along in my healing and restoring my life after the destruction, abuse, pain and misery of loving the Narcissist, nor am I a seasoned blogger or writer but I’m working on it! This blog sprinkles hope around my bruised heart…. for that I thank you!!

This week on Facebook, I’ve gotten a few notices for “My Moments” from 6 years ago. 6 Years ago, I was escaping an abusive relationship with a malignant narcissist. When I look at those pictures, I am flooded with many memories of what my struggles were at that point in my life. “Struggles” is the […]

via Reflections on My 6 Years Post Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse — After Narcissistic Abuse